Does Love Last

2011-12-07T07:37:00.001-08:00

You've gone out of town . You do call at nite but you say nothing and it's almost as if it's so youcan say you did. You even fell asleep while I was trying to tell you something. You give ur best to the people youwork with and I'm sure to her. I don't even get left overs I get nothing. Why do I even try.. You don't why do I even care you don't . This will never change.

2011-12-03T15:49:00.000-08:00

Today I decided to confront. He has said I don't so I proved him wrong and did.

I questioned his working late. Told him the kids asked where he was xnd why he works all the rme one even questioned if he was is he having an affair...

Highlights of what was said
He doesn't have the energy to work on our relationship
Communication with me is nothing but frustrating and too much work
He has no expectations
He feels like he owes me nothing
He loves me but doesn't like me
Christians have dissdpointnted him and let him down
He doesn't want to do things to help my vain imaginations because it will never be enough I will always want more.

What I got
I'm not worth the fight
I'm too much to much frustration
Our relationship is bad and there isn't anything he wants to do about it bc it's too much work
He gave me everything he had and it did no good it forever changed him and he will never go back
He isn't who I married
Basically he has given up

Isn't life grand

2011-12-02T13:21:00.000-08:00

Nothing was ever said about Sunday ... Things have been ... Well no I'll words. He worked till 3:30 in morning Tuesday and 1:30 Wednesday and midnight last nite... No call nothing ... It's almost as if he thinks he owes me nothing. This time I really don't care... I'm almost to that point that I was worried was coming.

2011-11-24T06:41:00.000-08:00

Today is thanksgiving. I do have much to be thankful for.

Dinner last night with family daughters boyfriend is here. I ended up sitting by him and he had to talk to me. Not much was said.

This morning he acts like everything is great. I'm praying for god to reveal himself and for us to talk .

We will see

2011-11-23T09:57:00.000-08:00

Monday fasted and prayed all day prayed for us and that he wouldnt go work and would talk he didn't go but no communication.. Yesterday no work and it's almost like he did nothing wrong...

I have been accused of part of the reason he has problems with god . I believe that is something u can't blame on others.

I have been accused of our finianical ruin but he played a big part on that.

I have been accused of pushing him away he wasn't there half of the time

I have been accused of loving our children. More than him but that door swings both ways.

How did we get to this point ? His lack of belief in gods power. The distance , being roomates and thats it.
I know these are random thought but I just need to put down what I'm feeling .....

I almost feel as if there has been a death. After our conversation Sunday and they way he talked tone and the way he responded I feel so sad and almost as if there is no hope.. I know this isn't what god wants our relationship and how can we have any spiritual relationship .if I regard iniquity in my heart the lord will not hear me.

I am very sad

Life continued

2011-11-21T09:51:00.000-08:00

Today is a new day though nothing has changed. Took him to get car... Silence ... Came home he is working on stuff I am cleaning... Silence... Will this end?

Safeness

2011-11-20T20:18:00.000-08:00

I have cried all day. I feel sad . I feel no hope ... I can't talk to him I have no relationship . I'm going to fast and pray. I pray our hearts are turned towards each other, and our relationship is restored. Please lord show your power to him tomorrow... Make yourself real and known. I watch in anticipation ... Give me hope

The weekend

2011-11-20T11:43:00.000-08:00

I picked him up after driving home. The day was good. He actually seemed happy to see me. Out to lunch shopping everything seemed good. Church today message on sinasism On way home I stated that was the way he was. I gave example of yesterday praying for parking place he said basically that's stupid those kind of prayers are dumb cause there is always a parking place you just look. He said the reason he is like that is partly due to the fact that early on I made finical mistakes bc I prayed and presumed upon god...and he was upset... Raising his voice at me.... Then shut down .. Every time we talk about anything other than surface it alway ends up being my fault I feel no hope again... God will u please show him you are interested in the small areas of our life today!some how some way I don't know how but I'm asking . I think I'm not trying anymore to have deep conversation. It doesn't work. That need will have to be met by someone else . I still want to confront on the work thing but another day.

The preacher said cynical people remove god and it's me me me that's what I heard today I work hard I fix things I see what's coming I I I ... Himmmmmm

Request
Show him who you are life in the little things
Big things in life

Reveal !!!!!

Continued

2011-11-18T20:11:00.000-08:00

He has been out of town all week. The woman he works with went on the trip as well as 2 others. He is driving home .. Told me he would call me when he left ... Supposedly he is driving home with a co worker... Hasnt called... Nothing ... Hehas hurt me again... What if tables were turned? Thanks for never considering my feelings... He knows my fears but doesn't Care ... That's what is communicated . I'm confronting this weekend ...I'm so tired of the same thing over and over !!!

2011-11-04T07:13:00.000-07:00

You dont call me all day i call to tell u were celebrating a friends birthday yiu show up and act like nothing us wrong. No apology no nothing. We don't talk much you leave this morning don't even say bye.. I want so bad to meet someone to make you jealous I want you to fight for me but you act like I'm just a bother someone you woukd rather not even have around .

2011-11-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

You call and tell me you are coming home at 6 I hear nothing I call at 10 ur still at work u come home at 1am ur daughter is visiting u have spent little time with her. U communicate loud and clear she isn't important I'm not important . I'm sick of this. I'm angry I'm hurt . Keep it up and one day i won't care it will be too late.

Thoughts

2011-10-19T21:20:00.000-07:00

You are on a business trip with her. You eat meals together you work together you spend more time with her than u do me. Our relationship stinks u won't discuss our relationship you tell me nothing . Would if I gained a male partner spent all my timewith him traveled with him and never discussed him at all. When I worked late you had no idea if he was with me or not how woukd you feel? I hare this I hate where we are . I pray I sell the business tomorrow then will you want to spend time with me? Or do you just not like me anymore

england

2011-07-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

england was good..lots of communication, lots of time...but back to reality very soon...late night working, no phone calls no texts, no communication, no nothing... sometimes i wonder why i even care anymore. i guess its the history... whatever

july 23, 2011

2011-07-23T16:24:00.000-07:00

Todays chat
His needs aren being met. I am not a helper never have been, make him feel like everythingn magically happens, dont do thingsthat i say i will do, the last 3 i say 3 years he gave up and quit trying...I say the last 9...Its all my fault...I have caused all the problems...I dont ask I just do...Because I wasnt a helper he is forever changed...never to be the same again and of course thats my fault too...I love our kids more that him even though he does the same thing its different ...of course...he is doing things to make our relationship better...pay bills, plan for future...is that really working on our relationship??? when asked what is a helper...no comment he doesnt know...so if he doesnt know what he wants from me how the heck am I suppose to know...I want a change ...he doesnt know...one day I am going stop caring....

Nothing has changed

2011-03-13T10:08:00.000-07:00

Today a discussion was started about how I put pressure on our kids... I disagree I have always put their needs above my own and that too was used against me. I was meeting kids needs and didn't meet his. He never communicates he ever needed me... Ever.. But of course that's my fault too... I just didn't pick up on his signals . And then there is the money it's my fault We are where we are I've done it all ... Gee i wish I were the perfect one because you know he has always been the perfect husband always meeting my needs always being there for me ... He's perfect ... Not!!!! I'm sick of always always away being the one that is at fault ... It takes 2 to tango buddy..... Oh and the problems with his mother.... My fault too ... I failed to communicate not him Me I'm sick of it all

One day I'm going to quit if things don't change I will reach my limit

But then again of course it will be my fault because he is perfect

2010-05-08T08:21:00.000-07:00

Today nothing is wrong. According to him everything is just great . But not for me. I want an apology . I am so tired of being hurt over and over. I am going to build a wall so insure not being hurt ..

2010-05-07T21:51:00.000-07:00

A week has gone by. He has been out of town for a week. Hope was given by the fact that he called so much thus week. I was so looking forward to his coming home. I did everything I knew to do to make coming home pleasant. Cleaned did laundry cook a good dinner and had it waiting on him. The only comment made was you forgot to take down the garbage cart ... In an angry mad tone ... I've met the kids needs all week worked 2 jobs gotten little sleep and that's the remark I'm given needless to say I was furious I loaded all the garbage in my car and took it to a dumpster. Far be it from me to have garbage outside in a cart to ruin his happy weekend . No apology..... Nothing .. I can't sleep now and the weekend I was looking so forward is now ruined ... Love does not last ... It can not be rekindled ... There is no hope tonight ... I am empty ... I am

Our Life

2010-05-02T11:02:00.000-07:00

Where we are today is I asked him to go with me to see someone for marriage help. He said he didn't know if he could do that. He has no fight left in him. He says he gave and gave and now he has nothing left.

Life

2010-05-01T18:18:00.000-07:00

I am starting this online journal for myself to write down thoughts, feelings and life that Im going through in hopes that one day I look back and see how things can change. If anybody else chooses to read it and offer advice, experience, or whatever you wish that will be an extra bonus. I am using an annonmous name so that I can be truly honest without the fear of my children or family reading this.

I am a pushing 50 woman with three kids, the last about to graduate from high school. I never dreamed I would be where I am in life.

It all started 28 years ago when I married the most wonderful man with whom I was madly in love and we were best friends. I was his world he was mine. We shared everything. For two years we were happier than I could have ever dreamed.

Kids came, life got busy, we drifted, and push forward to today and we are roomates...He lives his life I live mine.

We have brief moments of good, but they get less and less. I still love him deeply and want the good again.....Over the years Ive hurt him, he has hurt me. Its as if we cant get past that. I dont want to spend the next 25 years in a house living together but alone.....

The Beginning

2010-05-01T18:01:00.000-07:00